Acknowledgements

“I’m not artistic.” 

I’ve said those words too many times to attach them to a concrete memory. I’ve said them to avoid art classes, creative writing classes, “paint ‘n sip” nights and DIY projects. But those words are just a Band-Aid I use to cover up my paralyzing fear of doing something badly. Art—from pottery to creative nonfiction to watercolor—is subjective. One artist’s work can simultaneously inspire and anger; move one person to tears and bore another. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to create art. All that subjectivity, that gray area, terrifies me because the deepest desire of my heart is to be “right.” 

I didn’t set out to be an artist of any kind, let alone a writer. I don’t have some sweet story of a lifelong dream to write books or short stories or poetry. It wasn’t until I became a mom that I thought to write anything down at all. But in the tumultuous, early days after Maggie was born I started to string words together—in heartfelt IG captions of all places—and realized it felt good to put my swirling, often manic thoughts into words, and that those words seemed to resonate with others too. 

Every time I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) I’m forced to make peace with the likely chance I’ll “do it wrong.” It’s excruciating, and terrifying, and without a LOT of love and support I would have given up a long time ago. 

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’d like to say thanks. 

To my mom: for never accepting my excuses and always reminding me of the many ways I am, in fact, artistic. For being an artist herself, showing me that the integration of creativity and life is not only possible but leads to a fuller, more “lived” life. And Mom? Thanks for waiting for me to invite you to read my writing. As a mother myself I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for you. 

To my dad: for always wanting more for me. Not for one single second have I doubted the endless possibilities available to me in this world as Tim Southworth’s daughter. 

To PBS Kids: for providing wholesome, engaging television that makes me feel just a liiiiiiitle less guilty about using screen time as writing time. 

To Saddle House Organic Coffee: for making a decaf so delicious that my taste buds think it’s an acceptable replacement for the real thing. Writing time is just better with a steaming mug of coffee. 

To Katie Blackburn: for teaching exceptional writing workshops, for telling me my words are good (over and over and over again), and for welcoming me into her home to be her “real life” friend. 

To my (late) Rah-Rah: for being a lifelong learner, an avid reader, and a steadfast example of “motherhood and ...” With her as the matriarch of our family, I had no reason to doubt the coexistence of motherhood and career, education, marriage, and hobbies. I miss you and I wish every day I could ask you how you did it all. 

To motherhood: for tearing me into pieces and sewing me back together again. Without your ups and downs, I would never have started writing in the first place. 

To Royce and Maggie: for giving me stories to tell, teaching me how to play, and being (mostly) patient when I ask for “one more minute.” Without you, I would be less joyful, less humble, and a little less exhausted. I love you both.

To the friends who encouraged me to do more with my words than caption Instagram photos: you know who you are. Some of you are real-life friends, some of you are friends from childhood I haven’t seen in years, and some of you only know me from the Internet. But all of you have taken the time to cheer me on, let me know how my words have resonated with you and asked me to keep writing. Without you, this blog literally would not exist, and my published pieces would live only in my mind.

To write club: for reassuring me constantly that I am a good enough writer, that slumps are normal, and for reading even the shittiest of shitty first drafts. Without you I would use entirely too many commas, spell out numbers when I shouldn’t, and say “that” instead of “who” every. single. time. But mostly, thank you for loving me and welcoming me as I am. 

And lastly, to Levi: for never batting an eye when I tell you I spent our hard-earned money on a writing workshop. For putting the kids to bed when I have a video call (even if you laugh at me as I stumble through introducing myself to my Internet friends). For telling me I can write about whatever I want. You are my partner in every sense of the word and without your support, I would have given up a long time ago. I love you.

This post was written as part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to read the next post in this series "Acknowledgments."

Coffee & Notebooks Photo by Freddy Castro on Unsplash

“Acknowledgements” by Phoenix Feathers Calligraphy for C+C, 2019